If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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