i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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