worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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