Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
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Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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