Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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