I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
