you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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