Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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