My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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