Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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