You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
