How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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