I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
