I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
We were destined to go to rehab together
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
