One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
