Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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