I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
