Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
