At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
