five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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