I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
