i already hear my dad disowning me
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
