Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
