i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
