i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
