You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
