walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
