The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
