Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
