i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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