Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
