this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
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I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
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Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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