i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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