Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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