at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
