Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
