so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
