I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
