Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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