how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
