i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
