I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
