i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
