i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
