the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
