I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
