If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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