my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
