just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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