Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
