We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
