ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
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