An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
