Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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