I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
