dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
