If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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